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Gradually, and then suddenly.

I am 30 days clean from heroin and needles. I am not completely abstinent from all drugs, to be clear. In that 30 days I have used 2 8mg suboxone (not to get high), insufflated meth twice, taken a few 1mg Xanax to take the edge off when needed, and an abundance of cannabis. No heroin and no needles for 30 days and to me, that’s HUGE. You are lying to yourself if faced with the choice between you or them, that you would willingly choose to sleep on the street. Until you have been in that situation, know what it feels like to be hungry, and wonder where you are going to sleep at night, you don’t know what you would do. Human nature is designed that way. Self preservation. And lastly, please do not mistake this as me playing the victim. I know what I am, and what I am not, and frankly that is all that matters to me. The opinions of strangers, especially those of whom I have never met, are of no concern to me. My choices are what have driven me to be homeless, and rest assured that fact is not lost on me. There is no distinguishing between addicts and junkies. They all follow the same progression, whether slowly or quickly, and the destination is the same for everyone who continues to use heroin or any drug: jails, institutions, or death.

The difference.

I have stood at the edge of death and come back, so realize what I say on here is drawn from my experiences as a homeless dope fiend junkie thieving felon. Heroin steals your soul and replaces it with something dark and different. We are all addicts here, but we all have different bottoms; we all have different standards on what we will allow ourselves to do, or how low we can go. I don’t fear most things, but my lack of fear terrifies me. I have seen death, and heroin made me not afraid to die. I know what the future holds for me. I know what I am, and what I have done, and what I am capable of doing because experience has taught me that. That is the difference between us. What will you do when your back is against the wall, when you are so far down that you have to build your OWN ladder. That will show you who you really are.

The Dirty H.

I have always wanted to have a public blog about my struggle with drug addiction but never had the courage to do it. I felt an overwhelming amount of shame and fear, because there is a stigma that surrounds addiction, especially to heroin, and so I kept this dark part of me hidden for almost a decade. Through this experience, though, I have come to realize that there is freedom in honesty and I no longer have to hide who I am. I became a junkie the day I used the needle, but I was an addict long before then.